S*%t Happens!
August 30, 2010, 3:02 PM |
Comments (5,293) |
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By David Robinson, Editor
I’m sitting in an edit room poring over hour upon hour of footage from the second camera crew that was taken along on the Kerala, INDIA episode of No Reservations. The idea was to document the makings of an episode of No Reservations. You know, pull back the curtain and see the magical machinations at work, that sort of thing. The reality, so far, is a laundry list of TMI moments that would make a band of syphilitic Vikings queasy. Given that each member of the crew is a veteran of the show it’s amazing how unaware or apathetic they are to the presence of cameras recording everything they say and do. Let me try to be delicate here. . . .These people are animals.
In the name of brevity we’ll just stick to one of their many colorful anecdotes and favored topics of conversation – bowel movements.
A lot of time, thought, and creative energy goes into making an episode of No Reservations, but what is shocking is the amount of the aforementioned qualities that also go into this crew’s discussions of their own defecations. When I first started watching the footage I thought, maybe they should be paid in vouchers for a local gastro-enterologist instead of cash. But the more I watch the more I realize that this isn’t just friends talking sh*t about their sh*t. It is a very precise barometer for how a shoot is going and where it is headed.
It all begins simply enough — on an innocuous van ride from one shooting location to the next Segment Producer Diane Schutze asks Tony how he’s feeling, wondering if the spicy food from last night’s dinner scene has caused any problems. After confirmation that Tony has had nothing but solid healthy “contributions” and no “bowl freckling,” (yeah, “bowl freckling.” It took a trip to urban dictionary.com to figure this one out) the question makes the rounds to each of the other crewmembers. Once everyone’s general colo-rectal health has been confirmed the conversation branches into regaling everyone with their personal “worst bathroom on the road” anecdotes. Suffice it to say, it all goes downhill from here. In a nutshell, if you find yourself in Harbin, China, and you need to release the hounds, you better get it done before you leave the Best Western. And if you’re one of the faithful on hajj to Mecca, and that roadside Kabsa stand did you wrong, there’s a certain Saudi Arabian truck stop that you sure as sh*t best avoid.
Weeks before the shoot Tony is convinced that a prescription his doctor has given him, something that looks vaguely like Mexican Nexium, will leave him and the rest of the crew impervious to any and all gastro-intestinal distress regardless of what is consumed. He gets to test this miracle drug while shooting the Liberia episode. A few samples and a day of writhing in agony after some suspect snails is enough to convince Tony that, for India, his regular preventative Immodium will be a sufficient barrier between him and an inflamed colon.
On the other end of the spectrum, is a member of the crew who can literally go for days between bowel movements. Whether I wanted to know it or not, I now know that this person essentially has a BM once every full moon. Pythons sh*t more frequently than this crewmember. Meanwhile, the executive producer on the shoot could easily give our retentive crew member friend a run for their money. If there isn’t a sufficient number of feet between the bathtub and the toilet in his hotel bathroom, forget it. Seven feet or more will keep things flowing freely. If it’s three feet or less….oil rigs in the Gulf should be that secure.
What other edifying moments have I been privy to over the last few weeks? Important stuff, like filming elephant dung. Looking up the definition of a Cleveland Steamer (again, Urban Dictionary.com). Debating the merits of a high colonic and/or a yogurt enema. Accusing your fellow crewmembers of fouling the air and “laying cable” in your bathroom. WTF? These people are my friends, they’re my co-workers, they’re incredibly talented, dedicated people; but it’s all just too much information! The perils and challenges of an editor are many. Sifting through hours of footage, finding the narrative, making a scene when there isn’t one and desperately trying not to remember the story of my colleagues making their own “contributions” to a “freezing stalagmite of cr*p” in an outhouse in northern China. It’s a lot of duties for one person. Some are great and some really stink, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I’m sitting in an edit room poring over hour upon hour of footage from the 2nd camera crew that was taken along on the Kerala, INDIA episode of No Reservations. The idea was to document the makings of an episode of No Reservations. You know, pull back the curtain and see the magical machinations at work, that sort of thing. The reality, so far, is a laundry list of TMI moments that would make a band of syphilitic Vikings queasy. Given that each member of the crew is a veteran of the show it’s amazing how unaware or apathetic they are to the presence of cameras recording everything they say and do. Let me try to be delicate here. . . .These people are animals.
In the name of brevity we’ll just stick to one of their many colorful anecdotes and favored topics of conversation – bowel movements.
A lot of time, thought, and creative energy goes into making an episode of No Reservations, but what is shocking is the amount of the aforementioned qualities that also go into this crew’s discussions of their own defecations. When I first started watching the footage I thought, maybe they should be paid in vouchers for a local gastro-enterologist instead of cash. But the more I watch the more I realize that this isn’t just friends talking sh*t about their sh*t. It is a very precise barometer for how a shoot is going and where it is headed.
It all begins simply enough. On an innocuous van ride from one shooting location to the next Segment Producer Diane Schutze asks Tony how he’s feeling, wondering if the spicy food from last night’s dinner scene has caused any problems. After confirmation that Tony has had nothing but solid healthy “contributions” and no “bowl freckling,” (yeah, “bowl freckling.” It took a trip to urban dictionary.com to figure this one out) the question makes the rounds to each of the other crewmembers. Once everyone’s general colo-rectal health has been confirmed the conversation branches into regaling everyone with their personal “worst bathroom on the road” anecdotes. Suffice it to say, it all goes downhill from here. In a nutshell, if you find yourself in Harbin, China and you need to release the hounds, you better get it done before you leave the Best Western. And if you’re one of the faithful on hajj to Mecca, and that roadside Kabsa stand did you wrong, there’s a certain Saudi Arabian truck stop that you sure as sh*t best avoid.
Weeks before the shoot Tony is convinced that a prescription his doctor has given him, something that looks vaguely like Mexican Nexium, will leave him and the rest of the crew impervious to any and all gastro-intestinal distress regardless of what is consumed. He gets to test this miracle drug while shooting the Liberia episode. A few samples and a day of writhing in agony after some suspect snails is enough to convince Tony that, for India, his regular preventative Immodium will be a sufficient barrier between him and an inflamed colon.
On the other end of the spectrum, is a member of the crew who can literally go for days between bowel movements. Whether I wanted to know it or not, I now know that this person essentially has a BM once every full moon. Pythons sh*t more frequently than this crewmember. Meanwhile, the executive producer on the shoot could easily give our retentive crew member friend a run for their money. If there isn’t a sufficient number of feet between the bathtub and the toilet in his hotel bathroom, forget it. Seven feet or more will keep things flowing freely. If it’s three feet or less….oil rigs in the Gulf should be that secure.
What other edifying moments have I been privy to over the last few weeks? Important stuff, like filming elephant dung. Looking up the definition of a Cleveland Steamer (again, Urban Dictionary.com). Debating the merits of a high colonic and/or a yogurt enema. Accusing your fellow crewmembers of fouling the air and “laying cable” in your bathroom. WTF? These people are my friends, they’re my co-workers, they’re incredibly talented, dedicated people; but it’s all just too much information! The perils and challenges of an editor are many. Sifting through hours of footage, finding the narrative, making a scene when there isn’t one and desperately trying not to remember the story of my colleagues making their own “contributions” to a “freezing stalagmite of cr*p” in an outhouse in northern China. It’s a lot of duties for one person. Some are great and some really stink, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
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